How to stay married! A man and woman had been married for more than 55 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted gloves and a stack of money totaling $85,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a glove." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two gloves were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the gloves, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the gloves."
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Try this:
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head) 2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code) 3. Multiply by 80 4. Add 1 5. Multiply by 250 6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number 7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again. 8. Subtract 250 9. Divide number by 2 Do you recognize the answer?
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* A car hit an elderly man. The paramedic
says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I
make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I
took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for
49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll
kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* A bum asked a man, "Give me $10 till payday." The man
responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one
working!"
* I wish my husband would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work
he's out of.
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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order? The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."RETURN